Tedium and Train Wrecks
by Eppy
Summary: Um...tedium because of a train wreck. Harry, Draco, Ron and Hermione are stuck in a small enclosed space together. What will they do to pass the time?


Title: Tedium and Train Wrecks  
Author: Eppy  
E-mail: LizzyPaul@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG13 (language, sexual innuendo)  
Pairing: Harry/Draco, Ron/Hermione (mentions Snape/Lucius, Lucious/Narcissica, Draco/Pansy, Draco/Seamus, Dean/Seamus, Draco/Other, Hermione/Other, and any combination of H/D/R/H)  
Category: humor  
Spoilers: Everything through GoF  
Timeline: Beginning of the seventh year  
Summary: Basically...uh...tedium because of a train wreck. Draco, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are trapped together when the Hogwarts Express gets derailed. Somehow they must amuse themselves.   
  
Feedback: Criticisms will be thoughtfully considered and appreciated. Flames will be mocked and passed around to friends. Know the difference. Honestly, I love feedback, it's my drug, and it keeps me writing more.  
Archive: If you want it, it's yours, just let me know where it's going. Please keep my name and info attached. Stealing is bad!   
  
Disclaimer: I'm not J.K. Rowling. Big surprise! I'm not trying to corrupt innocent children, bring down civilization as we know it, or even turn a profit from this thing. I'm just writing a story. For my amusement and the amusement of others (I hope). Therefore, if you are a lawyer, please realize I have no money, you will get nothing from me, so take your suing powers elsewhere.   
  
WARNING: This story contains slash...homosexualtiy...boy/boy love...as well as heterosexuality...boy/girl love...if either squicks you, don't read the story...  
  
OWTS!  
  
*~*~*  
  
~~...Hogwarts Express...Beginning of the Seventh Year...~~  
  
  
Harry sat across from his friends. "Ready for another year?" he asked conversationally. Ron opened his mouth to respond, when the door to their car opened. Draco Malfoy strode in, looking just as arrogant as ever.  
  
He surveyed the car with his trademark smirk. "Ah, the Gryffindor Three. Lovers of justice and saviors of the world and rescuers of helpless kitties and so forth. Isolated in the last car. Took me simply forever to find you."  
  
"Can't see why you bothered. What do you want, Malfoy?" Harry asked tiredly.  
  
Malfoy crossed over to them, continuing as if he hadn't heard. "And I haven't got all day to look for you, you know. I'm a busy boy. I've got things to do."   
  
"Then do them," Ron snapped, "and leave us alone."  
  
Malfoy's gaze flickered briefly to Ron, then settled on Harry. "Let me think. Hmmm. No. I'll stay here."  
  
"What do you want?" Harry asked again.   
  
Malfoy considered the question for a moment. "I'm *bored*."  
  
"Oh Lord," Hermione sighed, exasperated.   
  
Malfoy lifted an eyebrow at her exclamation. "Go and get your little Slytherin friends to entertain you, Draco. You can pull the wings of a fly or something. We're not here to be the paid entertainment," she continued.   
  
Malfoy rolled his eyes. "Of course you're not the *paid* entertainment. No one would consider *paying* you. You're not that interesting. Merely a mild distraction. But you'll suffice for now. And haven't you figured it out?" His teeth flashed in something that was not quite a smile. "You're my flies. Let's commence with the wing-pulling."  
  
"That's just sick, Malfoy," Harry said disgustedly.   
  
"To each his own," Malfoy began pompously. "People who live in glass manors shouldn't throw golden snitches, I always say, lest the Firebolt in their own eye blind them to the Cleensweep Five in their neighbor's. Or something to that effect"  
  
The three stared at him incredulously. "Did you...did you just attempt to quote the *bible*?" Hermione asked. "Or paraphrase it? Or..."  
  
"He should have burned up...or gotten struck by lightning. Everyone stand back, it could still happen," Harry warned.   
  
"What?" Ron asked, thoroughly confused. "Lightning? Harry? It's not raining."   
  
Malfoy burst out laughing. "You really should keep your mouth shut, Weasley. Every time you open it, you make your self appear more ignorant than you look. Which is bloody amazing when you think about it."  
  
Ron blushed, and Harry immediately rose to the defense of his friend. "Grow up, Malfoy. It's not his fault he doesn't get muggle illusions." Harry conveniently forgot that Draco was even more pureblood than Ron was.   
  
"Yeah," Hermione chimed in. "And at least *our* best friend can *talk*." Harry raised his eyebrows at this uncharacteristic insult. He wasn't sure if Hermione was slighting Crabbe or Goyle, but either way, she had it pegged. Verbal communication really wasn't their forte, mostly they were into menacing fist clenching and so forth.   
  
Ron chuckled a bit and then asked suddenly, "Where are Crabbe and Goyle?" and Harry really noticed for the first time the absence of Malfoy's ever present bodyguard/friends.   
  
Malfoy tilted his head to the side, as if thinking about the question. Harry knew it was just posturing. After a moment, he answered thoughtfully, "Not here."  
  
Ron looked puzzled, and shook his head as if clearing water from his ears. "No, I mean, yes obviously, but *where* are they?"   
  
Malfoy leaned forward, and enunciated clearly and sharply, as if speaking to the very young or the very dim. "Not. Here."   
  
Ron was starting to purple now, clearly getting very frustrated. Harry and Hermione watched the scene with mingled amusement and dread. "Yes, but WHERE mmmrfll..."  
  
Malfoy actually but his hand over Ron's mouth to stop his flow of words. Ron was so shocked by this action that he sat frozen his chair. "Potter," Malfoy began acidly, "please explain to your pet that I have no intention of answering his rather impertinent questi--FUCKowww!"   
  
Ron recovered from his shock enough to realize that Malfoy had his hand over his mouth...that he was *touching* him...and to make matters worse, was then insulting him...and had launched himself out of his seat at the blond. He tumbled them both to the floor, landing on Malfoy, his elbow jabbing into the Slytherin's stomach.   
  
Harry jumped up. "Okay, that's enough. Both of you, stop, or you'll loose house points before we even get to school. Ron, are you okay?"  
  
"Fine," Ron stood up, dusting off his robes, and sat back down next to Hermione, who gave him a very disapproving glare. Malfoy still lay panting on the floor. After a moments hesitation, Harry went over and offered him a hand.   
  
Malfoy looked up in surprise. "Oh, so noble and gallant. Truly the mighty Gryffindor."  
  
"You want help or not?" Harry snapped.  
  
Reluctantly, considering the fact that he was still in quite a bit of pain, Malfoy put out a hand. Then pulled it back with a grimace. "Oh that is truly disgusting. I have Weasley spit on me. I shall be unclean forever."   
  
"It's your own damn fault," Ron said at once. "And I've got your germs all over me. How do you think *I* feel?"   
  
"Grow up," Hermione muttered. "I thought we gave up cooties years ago."   
  
Malfoy glared at her, but said no more. He wiped his hand compulsively numerous times on his robes before giving it back to Harry. A little startled that Malfoy wanted his help, Harry nonetheless pulled him up.   
  
Only to have them both fall back to the floor, along with Ron and Hermione.   
  
There were horrible screeching noises. They clamped their hands to their ears. The car swerved from side to side and rocked, tumbling the quartet about harshly. And then, as if possessed, it rocketed in the opposite direction of the rest of the Hogwarts Express.  
  
They were flung against the end of the train, inertia carrying them. Plastered against the wall, they watched helplessly as the scenery spun by dizzily outside the window. Their car sped down the tracks, past platform 9 and 3/4, past anything familiar, past England, apparently. And it was *loud*.   
  
Hermione got a hold of herself first. She pulled out her wand and pointed it at the train. Malfoy was still searching frantically for his wand, paler than usual and actually whimpering in fear.   
  
"Haltio!" she cried, waving her wand.  
  
The train paid her no head. "Haltio!" she tried again, more insistent. "Ummm...Freezium Incancantium!" The train kept on going as if Hermione was doing nothing. "Freezium Incancatium!"   
  
Hermione was purpling now, never had her magic been so ineffective. Malfoy actually looked like he was enjoying it, having gotten over his earlier fear. Harry wondered idly if he should help, but if *Hermione* couldn't do something...  
  
"Freezium Incancatium! Haltio!" She was getting breathless, and her arm was moving wildly. "STOP YOU GODDAMN PIECE OF MACHINERY BEFORE WE ALL DIE!" she shrieked.   
  
Harry and Ron stared up in absolute amazement. Malfoy chuckled. The train stopped.  
  
Malfoy clapped. "Very good, Miss Granger. Obviously, you just had to appeal to it with your excellent manners and great vocabulary."  
  
Hermione was breathing very hard. She turned on him murderously. "What did you *do*?"   
  
"Me? Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. I was just pretty sure that with all our inertia any spell you used would be ineffective until we reached The End of the Line. I was content to wait it out. You, on the other hand, were *very* amusing with all of your useless wand waving and so forth. I take back the 'not worth being paid' comment. Here," and he threw her a sickle.   
  
Hermione looked about ready to kill him, when Ron interrupted. "The End of the Line? You think that's where we are?"  
  
Malfoy nodded. "Yes, I think so. Probably. Look out the door and see."   
  
Harry pulled himself off the floor first. He hurt all over. Everyone was content to sit and watch him. He reached the door and looked outside.   
  
He shrieked in a very unmanly way and fell backwards.  
  
A large cliff loomed just outside the door. The tracks ended suddenly into it, just sprawled into its measureless depths. Harry's heart pounded when he realized how close they'd come to a very messy death. He crawled back to where the others were sitting by the opposite door, not wanting to stand, afraid any movement would upset the train and they'd go plunging into the pits below.   
  
"Ah," Malfoy said after a moment. "I was right. Ten points to Slytherin."   
  
"Look, I don't want to sound daft here, but once again I'm on the outside. What's the End of the Line?" Harry asked.  
  
Hermione broke in, eager to share information. "The End of the Line is either the start of the Hogwarts Express or the end, no one knows...actually it's kind of allegorical to life really when you think about it..."  
  
"Shut up, Granger," Malfoy cut in rudely. "The End of the Line is that big cliff you saw. It's at the end of all the wizard trains. Including the train that takes us to Hogwarts."  
  
"Ah," Harry said slowly. Like most things in the wizarding world, it made absolutely no sense. A big cliff at the end of the train tracks? And the point would be?  
  
"Why are we here?" Ron asked.  
  
"Well, obviously someone was trying to kill me," Harry said calmly. "I'm sorry you three had to get in the way..."  
  
Malfoy exploded. "The universe does not begin and end with you, Harry Potter!" he yelled. "Babies are born and people die all without your help. Okay? I do think the train managed to derail without *you* being a direct factor. Can your ego deal with that? Christ! You're so annoying!"   
  
"Actually, since I'm here, I pretty much am a direct factor," Harry said reasonably.  
  
"I think Malfoy's right," Hermione said quietly. Harry turned to her with a hurt expression on his face. "Not about the, uh, ego thing or whatever! No! Just...the train did this before..."  
  
"It did?" Ron and Harry asked in unison.  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes. She had given up asking them to read Hogwarts, a History, but it would save time explaining things.   
  
"Of course I'm right," Malfoy said smoothly, not even bothering to thank Hermione. "Sixty some odd years ago, the train derailed, last car, the four students in it were killed when it plunged off The End of the Line. No one knows why, but they kept the last car off limit for about twenty years."  
  
"How did you know that?" Hermione asked, perversely pleased to have someone else know about something.   
  
Malfoy looked puzzled. "Hogwarts, A History. Obviously. Chapter...uh...22ish, I think. Really, Granger, haven't you read it yet?"  
  
Ron rolled his eyes. "You've read Hogwarts, A History?"   
  
Malfoy shrugged. "I've read everything. But that book should be required, it has so many important facts you should know before coming to the school..."  
  
Ron leaned over to Harry, "He's a nerd, he's a closet nerd," he whispered.   
  
"I heard that," Malfoy said, his tone menacing. Ron stuck his tongue out.   
  
Hermione shifted. "I think we should just wait here until they come and get us. Eventually they'll realize where we are. Oh, I *wish* we'd learned how to send message spells."  
  
Malfoy shrugged. "I can turn my wand into a homing beacon."   
  
Hermione squealed. "Really? Oh good, then we won't be out here as long as I thought. Someone will just apperate here and..."   
  
"Nope. Sorry, Granger."  
  
"What?" She looked confused.  
  
"You can't apperate to The End of the Line. Restricted zone. Too dangerous. You need to read Magical Places by Lional Xanders."  
  
Hermione pouted for a moment at being corrected. Malfoy just rolled his eyes at her pettiness and turned went outside to set up his wand. He came back in moments later. He leaned against the doorframe.   
  
"So. Wanna talk about sex?"  
  
*~*~*  
  
It was wonderful. I couldn't have gotten a better reaction if I'd suddenly grown scales. Which I'm not planning on doing. It would just ruin my look. So this was much better. Three pairs of eyes looked incredulously up at me.   
  
"Sex?" Harry stuttered.  
  
"Sure, why not? We need to do something to pass the time. I figured we'd get around to the topic eventually. Teenagers always do. So instead of beating around the bush, getting there by proxy, I'd just do it directly. So much simpler that way. So."   
  
"NO!" Ron yelled. "I am not discussing my sex life with Draco Malfoy."  
  
"Why Weasel, how charming for you," I began, my tone as syrupy as I knew how. "I didn't even know you *had* a sex life."   
  
"Shut up, Malfoy," Harry sounded a little on edge. Hmmm, if the mere mention of copulation was enough to get him uptight...wouldn't this be fun. "Can you *ever* be nice?"  
  
"Well fine," I snapped. "What do *you* want to do?" I asked Ron.   
  
"See you humiliated," he muttered.   
  
"You're such a petty child," I started, but Hermione cut me off. She had such a demonic glint in her eye. Wonderful.  
  
"I have a compromise," she said quietly. We all looked at her expectantly. "I have a way for Malfoy to get what he wants, for Ron to get what he wants, and for us all to pass the time. Have you ever heard of the muggle game 'Truth or Dare?'"  
  
"Oh my God," Harry moaned. His head sunk into his hands.  
  
"I think I'm going to like this game," I said happily.   
  
*~*~*  
  
I cannot believe I'm sitting on the floor playing Truth or Dare with Draco Malfoy. This is The End. Why didn't we just go off the stupid cliff? Bad enough that I shrieked (way to portray a Brave Gryffindor image, Harry) but now I'm playing Truth or Dare. And I know I'm going to humiliate myself.   
  
Hermione got to go first, since it was her great idea. She turned to Malfoy. No! That means he'll have a turn next! She had that evil grin that she gets sometimes. Malfoy better watch out. Maybe it'll be worth it.   
  
"Truth or dare," she asked, still grinning. This'll be good.   
  
"Truth," he answered, grinning back. I wonder idly if he likes Hermione. It would make sense. He's smart, she's smart. He's passionate, she's passionate. Take away the fact that he's completely evil...  
  
"...slept with," she was saying.  
  
"The last person I slept with was Richard Hemmingway," he answered confidently.   
  
"What?" I exclaimed before I could help myself. Richard was a fifth year Slytherin, a very male fifth year Slytherin. I mean, he was cute if you went for guys, but...  
  
Draco went for guys?   
  
"Hard of hearing, Potter? My turn!" His voice was almost gleeful. "Potter. Truth or dare?"   
  
"Truth," I said, not really paying attention. Malfoy. Richard. In bed together. Doing the types of things boys in bed together did. Things I had no interest in whatsoever. Nope, not me.   
  
"Potter, you're blushing."  
  
"Am not."  
  
"Am too."  
  
"Am not...look, is that my truth?"   
  
He raised his eyebrows. "*Sorry*. When was the last time you had sex?"  
  
I still couldn't get my mind around...oh yeah, I'd been asked a question. "Uh...never."   
  
His eyebrows rose. "You're a virgin? The great Harry Potter is a virgin? Sweet-Fucking-Merlin. No wait! You wouldn't know anything about that!" He was crowing, seriously. "This I can't believe. Hermione, you're a genius, I love this game. Harry Potter, The Boy Who Never Shagged."  
  
I glared daggers at my former friend, who wilted under the Potter Death Glare(tm). "Sorry," she mumbled.  
  
"What are you apologizing for? Because *you* didn't shag him? Not your fault. Ha! Why ever not, Potter?"   
  
I was bright red. "That's another question," I mumbled. "Now it's Ron's turn. Ron, truth or dare?"   
  
Ron looked sympathetically at me. "Dare," he said.  
  
Oh shit. What was I supposed to dare him to do? There was nothing to do in this little car...oh I know..."Kiss Hermione. On the lips."   
  
Ron blushed bright pink and Draco exclaimed "You can do that?"  
  
I glared at him, but couldn't really refute it. "Don't get any ideas," I said menacingly, but it came across as kind of wimpy.   
  
Ron scooted over and pecked her lightly on the lips. Hermione was flushed red as well. The two of them were doing their little googly eyes thing at each other, and I was feeling slightly ill to my stomach. Really. Ron should have just taken advantage of the opportunity.   
  
"...or dare?" he was asking...who? Oh. Malfoy. Damn. That's just not fair. Because then Malfoy would come back to harass me...  
  
"Truth," he said simply. Ron looked very disappointed. After a moment he asked, "Did you blow Professor Snape to get higher grades than Hermione in potions?" Hermione looked very upset at the mention of her usurped position as top student, but otherwise held her emotions in check.   
  
Malfoy rolled his eyes. "You obviously don't know Professor Snape. A blowjob wouldn't do it. I'm thinking months of sexual servitude...a personal bum-boy type thing would be in order. I just wouldn't have the time. And honestly, he and my father have been going at in since before I was born, and he hasn't shown any sort of favoritism before."  
  
We all looked at him.   
  
"Okay, maybe a tincy bit of favoritism. But nothing *grade*-wise, understand. So, no. I did not blow Professor Snape. And thank you for that lovely mental image. Ew. It'd be like blowing your uncle. Yick."   
  
I was thinking anymore startling revelations with clear sexual imagery and my brain was going to overload. Snape and Lucius Malfoy...well they deserved each other. But...  
  
"But you're dad's a...dad!" I exclaimed. What did Draco's mother think of all this?   
  
Malfoy looked at me funny. He turned to Hermione. "Hermione, truth or dare?" Then turned to me and gave me a look as if to say, 'See, the universe doesn't revolve around you, I'm choosing someone else.'  
  
"Uh...truth." Then she looked as if she thought she was going to regret it. Knowing Draco, she probably would.  
  
"How many people have you had sex with?" He asked her.  
  
"One," she answered after a long pause. She was very red, and was very clearly *not* looking at Ron.   
  
"What?" Ron exclaimed. "Who was it? When? Where was I?"  
  
She looked at him. "Not there," she answered succinctly. "Anything else will have to be a game question."   
  
I laughed softly. She turned to me. "Truth," I said quickly.   
  
She smiled. "Why haven't you had sex yet?"  
  
Oh...not nice Hermione. Not nice at all. But I supposed that in fairness I was to try and answer it. "I guess...because I've never been in love."  
  
And Malfoy burst out laughing, the creep.  
  
"Love? Love? Since when does *love* have anything to do with *sex*? God, Potter, you really are too ridiculous for words. If you keep waiting for love, you'll either be a seventy year old virgin, or a twenty year old with a severely broken heart. Love. Ha."   
  
"You've never been in love?" I snapped.  
  
"Ah ah ah," he waggled his finger in front of my face. "Game question, Potter."   
  
"Fine. Truth or dare," I snapped.   
  
"Truth," he answered easily.   
  
I just waited.  
  
Draco sighed. "I love. I love my mother. I love, to a certain degree, as much as he's capable of retaining it, my father. I love, I suppose, even Professor Snape. I would never want to sleep with any of them, contrary to your friend Ron's opinion. I have never loved any of the people I shagged. They were bodies. Some of them had minds and were interesting to talk to. A few I cared about. None I loved. It's just not necessary, and usually, love creates a lot more problems."   
  
"That's..."  
  
"Hey, it's my life, Potter. Don't sanctimoniously pass judgement," He snapped at me.  
  
I closed my mouth. I supposed he was right. It was his life, to live as he chose, as long as he didn't hurt anyone. And I guess I should be grateful that he was capable of love at all. I wouldn't have thought it of him before.   
  
He sighed again. "Truth or dare, Potter."   
  
I was done with this emotional show and tell. Not caring if he made me humiliate myself...who was there to humiliate myself in front of? My closest friends? And he already knew my big secret. Besides, what could he make me do? "Dare."   
  
He grinned a manic grin. "Kiss me."  
  
*~*~*  
  
Well. That was a reaction. A lot more violent than one I thought I was going to get. Harry was on the other side of the car (all thoughts of us tumbling down into The End of the Line forgotten I guess, when confronted with me). I watched the scene unfold with fascination.   
  
"No," Harry said finally. "Pick something else."  
  
"Yeah," Ron seconded. "That's just...nasty."  
  
"You kissed Hermione," I pointed out.  
  
"Hermione's not disgusting," he spat, his nose wrinkled.  
  
"Look, I quit the game," I said, getting thoroughly frustrated. "The only way this works is if you can't refuse. Now you're refusing. Changing the rules in the middle of the game. I'm not playing anymore."   
  
Harry slowly came back to the group. "So what'll we play?"   
  
"What'll we play?" I mimicked. "Is ickle Harry *bored*?" Yes, I was being facetious and silly, which is below me, but I was in a pissy mood. I'm not repulsive. His reaction was a bit strong.   
  
He looked at me sideways. "Malfoy..." he started  
  
"Shut the fuck up, Potter. You talk to damn much." Oh, hell, did that leave my mouth? Maybe I'm getting a little too tense. Okay, Draco, reign in the emotions. Betray nothing. I sighed. He was really getting to me. I had a chance, an honest chance, to kiss him without consequences. And he spoiled it.   
  
"I vote for getting really, really drunk," I said.   
  
Ron rolled his eyes. "Great plan, genius. Where's the liquor?"  
  
A bit shocked that even Hermione hadn't found the secret stash that's in all compartments for the adults, I stood up. I hoped the magic that kept everything from breaking would have held during that horrid trip. I walked to the third seat, fourth row, tapped it seven times with my hand, and it opened. I pulled out three bottles of something and brought them over.   
  
"How'd you find out about this?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Seventh year Slytherin told me a few years ago. I usually sneak a few bottles in for the school year, as does most other students who know about it. Some house elf or other restocks it. You can get some on the Hogsmede train, too. Combination 2-5-7." I popped open the bottles.  
  
Harry held up a hand. "Umm...why are we getting drunk?"   
  
"Seems like the thing to do?" I took a swig. "Don't get all moral on me now, Gryffindor."  
  
*~*~*  
  
It took only a few drinks for Draco to start regaling us with tales of his sexual conquests. Which was fascinating, really. Perhaps I was pretending too hard that it was just the information gatherer in me that was hanging onto his every word as he talked. Sure, Hermione. You're just collecting information. Purely scientific. Keep telling yourself that, girl. Whatever helps you sleep at night.  
  
Though my dreams will sure be different...   
  
I glanced over at Harry. He was very red. Poor thing. I think he was quite embarrassed by the whole ordeal. Or maybe it was just the alcohol. That could be it. He's not very used to drinking. Well, he should learn you shouldn't consume unless you can handle it.   
  
I felt an uncharacteristic giggle leave my throat. He might learn today.   
  
::hiccup::  
  
But then, so may I.   
  
I put down the bottle, deciding to not have any more for a while.   
  
"Waaaiiit," Harry interrupted, his voice indignant. "Pansy's a girl!"  
  
"She'll be so pleased you noticed," Draco told him.  
  
"But you like boys!"  
  
"I don't like *anybody*," Draco explained. "I'm a bad guy, remember?"   
  
"No...oh I get it! You're bisexual!" Harry looked very pleased with himself. "And your dad is too. That's why he can be married and still sleep with Snape. Ew. He doesn't have much taste. Neither do you. *PANSY*..."  
  
"Shut up, pillock. Pansy's a fine girl...and what's all this bisexual muggle nonsense? I sleep with whomever I please, it has nothing to do with a label I wear around my neck, and I'll thank you to take it off."  
  
Ron looked bleary eyed and confused. I felt bad for not taking care of him, I should have watched how much alcohol he'd been consuming. But really, watching Harry and Draco interact is so much fun!   
  
"Wha' tha' heck ith a bithe..uh..bisexual?" Ron slurred.   
  
"Someone who has sex twice a month," Draco snapped, obviously irritated with the interruption.   
  
"Stop, Malfoy," Harry told him. "Bisexual means you like both girls and boys. You know, sexual. Bi, two, sexual."  
  
Ron's eyes got a bit bigger. "An' muggles haff to haff a *word* for this? Weird."   
  
Harry kind of shifted. "Well, you know, if you're homosexual you like only the same as you and if you're heterosexual you like only the opposite sex...and since being heterosexual's the most common..."   
  
Ron blinked his blurry eyes. "Why?"  
  
"*Why*? I don't know why. It just is."  
  
"It's because muggles are *insane* Ron, simply *insane*," Draco cut in. "I, for one, am glad I'm a wizard. I can copulate with whomever I please."  
  
I laughed lightly. "Is that the only reason you like being a wizard?"  
  
He looked over at me and smiled lightly. "No. But it's definitely one of the perks."   
  
*~*~*  
  
It was at the end of the second bottle and halfway into the third that I announced the third game.   
  
Well, it was actually the second, as I don't count Getting Drunk a game. Getting Drunk was the prep work to the game that I knew couldn't happen until everyone inhibitions were down. For that, we needed alcohol.  
  
I could probably drink all three bottles and still have my wits about me. I wasn't worried about my capacities. I had a nice floaty buzz from the amount I'd consumed, but nothing more. Granger seemed to have retained her reason as well, being a little more loose than usual. I was glad that Hermione got happy when drinking, not bitchy like a lot of girls I know.   
  
Ron was sloshed, and Harry was quickly joining him. I grinned. Marvelous. Time for the game.   
  
"Are we ready for a new game?" I inquired. Hermione looked up with interest. Ron was too smashed to do much but sit and stare, and Harry was just apprehensive. Ah, Harry. Your instincts serve you well.   
  
"What is it?" Harry asked wearily.  
  
"In keeping with the theme of muggle games, I thought we might like to play 'Spin the Bottle'." I held up a bottle. "I happen to have here a bottle..."  
  
"Absolutely not," Harry said vehemently.  
  
"Sounds like fun," Hermione giggled. Harry looked like he wanted to kill her.   
  
"Wha'?" Ron asked.  
  
"How in hell do you know so much about Muggles?" Harry asked. "Spin the Bottle? The bible?" His voice was petulant, I guess I was spoiling his little perfect world.   
  
I took a swig. "Slept with a mudblood. The boy talked and talked...never shut up. Learned more from a night with him than if I'd actually taken muggle studies."   
  
Harry's eyes were wide. Hermione actually looked shocked as well. I was a bit disappointed, I'd hoped she'd gotten over her prudishness.   
  
"You *slept* with someone you don't even like? Malfoy that's so disgusting..." Harry's voice rose in anger. "That poor boy is probably really..."  
  
I burst out laughing. "Oh don't give me that 'poor boy' nonsense. You know he's just fine. It's *Seamus*. Honestly. We parted quite amicably."   
  
"Seamus Finnigan?" Hermione whispered. "Oh my God." She looked shocked, her hand covered mouth. A little giggle escaped. "I can't believe it. Does Dean know?"  
  
I rolled my eyes. Gossipy girls get on my nerves. "I don't know. Christ. What would I care if Dean knows?"  
  
"Well he is Seamus' *boyfriend*..."  
  
"Well he wasn't when we were shagging, so it makes no difference now, does it? The past is the past, and dwelling on it is counterproductive."  
  
"You seem quite preoccupied with past sexual encounters," she pointed out snippily.  
  
I sighed. "That's because we're stuck in a car together for an extended period of time, and other than disembowelment and torture, which I don't think you three would enjoy discussing, sex simply is the most interesting topic of conversation. Don't you agree? Or should we start talking about Quidditch teams?"   
  
Both Harry and Ron's eyes lit up. Harry turned to Ron. "So Ron, did you hear about the...er...match between...um...Australia...and uh...Bulgaria! Yeah! Bulgaria. Bloody good match, eh?"   
  
Ron belched. "Bloody good," he repeated. "Viktor Krum ith a fuckin'..." his voice trailed off. "They won?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Them," Ron said, with ultimate sincerity.   
  
"Bulgaria?"  
  
Ron looked confused, his blurry eyes blinking slowly. "No. No, don' think tho. Um...Canada!"   
  
"Ron," Harry began speaking very slowly and deliberately. "Canada didn't play. It was only Bulgaria and Australia."  
  
Ron nodded vigorously. "Yeah. Them."  
  
Hermione and I had been watching this with growing amusement. "Okay, that's it. Obviously, you two are in no position to talk about Quidditch. As the only fairly sober people here, Hermione and I get to pick the next game."  
  
"I'm sober?" Hermione stage whispered. I glared at her. She giggled but shut up.  
  
"I'm not playing spin the bottle with *him*," Harry said vehemently. "I'm not that drunk."  
  
"Harry, if you were any drunker you'd be on your knees for me, so I'd shut up," I told him.  
  
"Ew," Hermione commented, but then she giggled. "Come on Harry, it won't be that bad. And if you don't play, it'll just be us three."   
  
Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh *fine*! Besides. I've got to protect Ron."  
  
I laughed. "Oh sure. Try to justify it with your Gryffindor morals. You know you just want to make out with yours truly."  
  
Harry shuddered. "You are truly perverted."  
  
"Wha' the fuck ith Spin the Bottle?" Ron asked.  
  
"Muggle exercise in random kissing," I explained. "You spin the bottle. Kiss the person it lands on. Pretty simple rules."   
  
"Why?" Ron looked confused.   
  
"Because Muggles have too much time on their hands and too little brains to invent decent games. I don't know, Ron. But it sounds exciting. Everyone get in circle." Everyone gathered together, Hermione eagerly, Ron sluggishly, and Harry sighing like a bloody martyr about to be thrown to the lions. I placed the bottle between us.   
  
"Giving it a spin." We all watched it twirl with anticipation. It stopped after only a few rotations. The top was clearly pointing to Hermione. Her face came up, her eyes meeting mine. She was blushing furiously.   
  
I leaned over and kissed her deeply. Take advantage of the situation, show the little Weasel how to kiss a girl. Plus, the Granger bitch had risen in my esteem in the last bit or time. Somewhat above the average mudblood. I'd do her, in the right situation.   
  
After a while we pulled back. I was smiling, she was gasping for air and looking shocked. I still got it, ha-ha! The boys looked furious, although Harry was holding back Ron from punching my face in. Not that he could have gotten in a blow, as drunk as he was.  
  
"So now I'll give it a spin," she said giggling. I nodded as she gazed at me with that sort of awestruck look. I hoped she would get over it and not develop a crush. I would rather our relationship remain as it was. And, so help me, I actually didn't want her to loose her self-respect. Damnit, these little goody goody Gryffindors were corrupting me.   
  
Hermione gave it a light twirl and landed on Harry. Thank God. If I had to watch her and Ron pretend they didn't want to rip each other's clothes off and start doing the horizontal tangle again I'd gag. I mean, who do they think they're fooling?   
  
Hermione leaned forward across the circle smiling. Harry came forward also, an awkward half smile on his face. Hermione captured his face firmly in her hands and kissed the edge of his mouth. She lingered for a moment, then moved away. Harry was smiling genuinely when he moved back. I was unsure of his feelings for Hermione. I certainly wouldn't have put up with her rather annoying traits as constantly as Harry did unless I was hoping to bag her, but then Harry was a virgin and I had no idea how those individuals think.   
  
Harry coughed. "Uh, my turn, eh?"   
  
I rolled my eyes. "Quick, aren't you. Give it a spin, Gryffindor."   
  
Harry's hand literally shock as he reached to turn the bottle. He gulped, and gave it a spin. All eyes were on it as it spun around.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Slowly the bottle stopped. It was positioned somewhere between Ron and Hermione.   
  
"Oooo Harry!" Hermione exclaimed. "You have to kiss Ron. You've already kissed me."  
  
Ron looked over at me. He smiled a sloppy smile. Poor Ron. "Gonna kiss me, 'arry?" He leaned forward and nearly fell over. I caught him, albeit clumsily. Draco was laughing his ass off, the bastard.   
  
I was terrified. This was a lot different than kissing Hermione. Ron was my best friend. And a boy. I'd never kissed a boy before. I went in quickly, intending to get it over with as soon as possible, but Ron caught my lips with his and kissed back. It was an actual *kiss*.  
  
It tingled. I shivered.   
  
We pulled back, Ron had a dopey grin on his face. I'm sure I had an equally stupid look on mine. That was...interesting.   
  
No. No, I did not enjoy kissing another boy. I'm not Draco Malfoy, I'm not bisexual, or whatever, I just...  
  
I mean, it was Ron. And I haven't kissed anybody in a long time. And Ron's a damn good kisser. And I'm fucking drunk. Obviously I'm way too drunk.   
  
Hermione was clapping her hands. Draco gave me small, private smile. I glared at him. We're not friends. We have nothing in common, we hate each other. I don't want Draco giving me small private smiles. And when in hell did I start calling him Draco?   
  
Way too drunk...  
  
It was Ron's turn. It took him a minute to find the bottle. He gave it a spin. And wouldn't you know it landed right on Draco Malfoy.   
  
Ron looked like he'd eaten a sour lemon. Malfoy rolled his eyes, leaned over to Ron, and plopped a kiss on his lips before Ron could think about it. He moved off and back to his seat.  
  
Ron's eyes got wide and he frantically began wiping his mouth. Malfoy just laughed lighly, grabbed the bottle and gave it a spin. It landed on Hermione.   
  
He shrugged. "Can't kiss her. Already done it. Guess I better try again..." he reached for the bottle. I stopped him.   
  
"You've kissed everyone here but me," I pointed out sharply.  
  
"Hey, you're right," he pretended to sound surprised. "Nice going, Gryffindor. Now pucker up."   
  
"Now wait a..." But the last bit of my statement was lost in the onslaught of a pair of lips.   
  
His lips were firm but strangely soft. They were insistent, pressing on my mouth. I didn't know what to do. How to kiss him. It felt so good. I knew I should want it to end, that I shouldn't want to be kissing Draco Malfoy of all people, but I never wanted this feeling to stop.   
  
His hands came up to cup my face and control the direction of the kiss. His lips were moving against mine, nipping and caressing and pressing. I'd never felt anything like it. I couldn't help it, I made a little sigh. Draco chuckled, and I could feel his chest move, and the air escape his lips. It was exquisite.   
  
He pulled away. I looked up at him, breathing heavily. His lips were swollen, his eyes were bright, his cheeks flushed. I was conscious or Ron and Hermione in the room but strangely I didn't care.   
  
"So," Draco said softly, his voice husky and deep. "Up for another round?"  
  
This time it was me who pressed my lips to his, giving no thoughts to the consequences or meaning behind it. I only knew that it felt good and I wanted to feel good.   
  
*~*~*  
  
Ron looked up at me, a dazed look on his face. Poor baby. He was going to have one hell of a headache tomorrow. "Wha's goin' on?"  
  
I didn't know quite how to answer that. I was at a bit of a loss myself. "Well...Draco and Harry are making out..."  
  
Ron rolled his eyes. "I know *that*," he said impatiently. "But why?"  
  
I shrugged. "Wine? Pent up sexual energy? Realization of their deep feelings for each other? I don't know. Want to join them?"  
  
Ron cocked his head to the side. "Orgy?"  
  
I burst out laughing. "I don't think Harry could handle it. Besides, you're far too drunk. An orgy takes too much concentration."   
  
Draco pulled out of his passionate embrace long enough to ask, "You speak from personal experience, Granger?"  
  
"You ever hear of the internet?" I retorted. "No, probably not. Information superhighway. Even better than Seamus."  
  
"Seamus gets naughty pictures from the internet," Draco said with a wink. "You muggles devised a whole technology just to talk about sex? Too much time on your hands."   
  
I was going to explain the internet to Draco, but Harry was getting impatient, and Ron was tugging on my shirt. "If not on orgy, then what?"  
  
I smiled. "Do you want to make out?"  
  
Ron's eyes lit up. "Do you mean it?"  
  
I leaned over and kissed him. "Shame you probably won't remember this tomorrow."   
  
*~*~*  
  
EPILOUGE:  
  
They heard a knock at the door, starting them all awake. Harry was snuggled securely in Draco's arms on the floor, Ron and Hermione sprawled on different seats. Groggily Harry walked to the door and opened it.   
  
Lucius Malfoy was standing there. He glared at Harry, hatred in his eyes. He pushed painfully passed him, grabbed Draco without a word, and stalked out. Draco threw a wave and wink over his shoulder. Luckily his dad didn't notice.   
  
Then came a squeal. Ron clutched his head. Molly Weasley came bounding in the train. Harry was sure the cart was about to tumble over. She hugged Harry hard, then went for Ron and Hermione.  
  
"Oh, you poor children, are you alright--had us scared to death! I knew you'd be okay--I have NEVER been so afraid, when I heard I was--but now I know you're FINE and--I was so worried, what with the accident before--but you would be okay and--" she was crying, trying to clutch them all simultaneously.   
  
Ron was holding his head. "Easy, mum..."  
  
Instantly Mrs. Weasley turned vicious. She smelled the air around Ron. Her eyes got wide. "Have you been drinking."  
  
"Just a bit, ma, but what else was there to do?"  
  
Mrs. Weasley was beginning to swell. "Ronald, let me tell you something..."  
  
Harry walked outside. He didn't want to hear the argument, and truth be told, he had a bit of a headache himself. His eyes widened. Two flying carpets were waiting outside, along with professor Dumbledoor. Harry walked over to him.   
  
"Hello Professor."  
  
"Hello, Harry. I'm sorry it took so long for us to get here. We had to notify each of your parents and guardians, of course. Molly and Lucius wanted to come and collect you four personally. Lucius has already taken Draco back. Then there were some disagreements as to how to get out here. But I was sure you four could manage without us while we worked out our difficulties. I trust you found ways to amuse yourselves."  
  
Harry couldn't help it, he blushed. Being a good man, Dumbledoor ignored it. "Looking forward to the school year, Harry?"  
  
Harry smiled. "It should be, ah, interesting."  
  
*~*~*  
  
EPILOUGE TWO  
  
"So did I really kiss *Malfoy*?" Ron asked on the ride back, disgust coating his words. Harry nodded.   
  
"And me. And Hermione."   
  
Ron sighed. "I'd hoped that was a dream. It's all sort of blur. And you. Did you kiss him? I sort of remember you guys...I don't know..."  
  
"Making out?"  
  
Harry smiled at Ron's reaction. He got very green. Or it could have been the turbulence of their magic carpet combined with his lingering hangover.   
  
"Uh...yeah. But I'm sure that's just alcohol induced hallucination. Right Harry?"   
  
"Mmm, no actually. That happened. Damn good kisser, Draco. We made an appointment for Tuesday in the Astronomy tower. It would have been sooner but he had to work me in, being such short notice and all."  
  
Ron was ogling him, shock written all over his face.  
  
Harry burst out laughing. "I'm kidding Ron! Actually, as enjoyable as our snog session was, I'm sure it won't change anything in the coming school year. It's not like I have *feelings* for the bastard."  
  
Ron sighed in relief. Hogwarts school was visible in the distance and they didn't say anything until they reached it and the carpets parked themselves on the lawn.   
  
"So Harry..." Ron began. That was all he got out before a blur ran out and attacked his best friend. Harry found himself entangled in fierce grasp, and a firm kiss planted on his lips.   
  
Draco pulled back, and ruffled his hair. He noted Harry's surprised look with satisfaction. "Thought it was just a one-nighter, eh? Can't get rid of me that easily." He turned to Ron, who was looking on disgustedly. He gave him an equally revolted look. "Although you I can do away with. My boyfriend really should have better accessories. What will they say?"   
  
Harry tried to look stern, although the whole thing had just become so, well, petty that it was funny really. He kissed Draco lightly. "Be nice," he murmured.   
  
Hermione came over, smiling as well. She put her arm around Ron's waist and kissed his cheek. He blushed and looked at her in surprise. "What *happened* last night?"  
  
"Oh, nothing much," Hermione said lightly. Harry and Draco laughed.  
  
Ron groaned. "I'll never drink again."  
  
  
THE END  
  
A/N: Okay yes, so it was a bit OOC...and your point? It was a humor story. Draco's a slut...don't know why he's always the slutty one, but ::shrugs::. And after reading it seemed like he was just sounded really gay. That wasn't the intention, but alas. Sometimes the voice takes over. Comments are appreciated. 


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